Assertiveness: Ten Tips For How You Can Speak Up For Yourself

Nov 13

Do You Feel Heard And Respected By Others?

Not feeling heard and respected hurts and can cause you to have symptoms of depression and anxiety. This happens when people say or do things that hurt your feelings. Instead of telling them that they hurt your feelings, you make some kind of excuse for why it’s a better idea to keep quiet. You tell yourself “Maybe they are having a bad day.” or “I don’t think they meant to hurt my feelings. I don’t need to say anything.” This mentality causes you to feel resentful, hurt, and disrespected. What you need to do is learn how to become:

Assertive

Assertiveness is the ability to speak your mind honestly and confidently without strong fear or anxiety about how others will respond. This includes the ability to clearly articulate how you feel, having an openness to make others uncomfortable if necessary, and the courage to hold others accountable. Being assertive is not prideful, selfish, or rude, but rather it’s a skill that empowers you to have open and honest communication about how others impact you.

Examples Of Lacking Assertiveness

My friend said something that hurt my feelings. I don’t think that she meant to hurt my feelings, but it really upset me. I don’t want to tell her because I know it’ll make her feel bad.
My boss keeps putting things on my plate at work, and I’m getting overwhelmed. I haven’t said anything about it because I don’t want to make him angry. I also know that work has been busy lately, so I’m hoping and praying that the workload decreases.
I have a hard time telling people about my needs and preferences. I feel selfish or ashamed when I tell people about how things impact me. I wish that things didn’t bother me so much so that I don’t have to feel this way.
My parents keep giving me unsolicited advice about how to live my life. I usually just agree with what they say, but it’s starting to make me feel resentful and that they don’t trust me. I started limiting my conversations with them and avoiding talking to them on the phone.
My partner does things that make me really upset. I get snippy and passive aggressive, but I don’t tell them what actually upsets me.

Lacking assertiveness causes a variety of problems with yourself and other people. Here are some examples.

Problems With Lacking Assertiveness

People don’t respect you as much
People notice when you allow others to boss you around or mistreat you. At best, they pity you for not being able to stand up for yourself during conflict. At worst, they look down on you and feel annoyed because you don’t have the ability to handle yourself. People are going to be justifiably upset with you when they realize that you’ve misled them about how things impact you.
You become resentful and withdrawn
Not addressing conflict causes it to fester. You will start resenting the people around you and then limiting your contact with them.
You will lose confidence or start blaming yourself for conflict
It’s almost impossible to feel confident without assertiveness. If you can’t clearly and honestly state how you feel, this will result in you feeling worse about yourself, your decisions, and the way you respond to conflict.

Your needs are less likely to be considered and met
People can’t consider your feelings if they don’t know what makes you upset. Expecting people to be mind readers backfires because your friends and loved ones aren’t often aware of how you are impacted by their actions. Even when others are aware of how you are impacted by their actions, it’s your responsibility to not tolerate them mistreating or exploiting you.
It becomes difficult to have healthy relationships
Addressing conflict is a normal and healthy part of every relationship. It’s impossible to avoid upsetting other people around you. This means that if you are avoiding conflict with other people, this will inevitably start damaging your relationships over time.
You become passive aggressive
Have you ever been short or snippy with someone because they did something to upset you earlier? Did you then try to play it off by saying that nothing was wrong? This type of stuff harms relationships because you are not giving someone else a proper opportunity to address what they did. Instead, it creates a confusion and resentment from the other person for how you are treating them.
You end up getting pressured into things you don’t want to do
Similar to people pleasing (I wrote an article about that here), lacking assertiveness results in you saying yes to way more things than you are willing or comfortable to do. This could be your boss pressuring you to take on a responsibility you don’t feel equipped for. Or it could be your parent pressuring you to come home for the holiday when you really don’t want to. The end result is that much of your life becomes dictated by the preferences of other people.
The good news is that becoming more assertive does not have to be very difficult.

Ten Tips For Becoming More Assertive

Be honest about how you feel
Don’t downplay how you feel or convince yourself out of addressing something. Instead, take the first step in acknowledging the impact that things have on you. Did someone make a hurtful comment? Acknowledge that it happened. Were you guilted into doing something you don’t want to do? Own it. Are you starting to feel resentment and dread in your relationships? Take responsibility for your part in not speaking up.
Stop letting other people off the hook
There’s always a reason for why you shouldn’t confront someone. You might be thinking it’s a bad time to address the conflict, the person who upset you had good intentions, you are too busy, or you don’t feel like it’s going to work. All of your excuses have the same thing in common. They will make you feel less confident, feel worse about your relationships, and prolong your conflict with others. Instead, let people know when they upset you in a respectful, honest, and direct way.
Make it a point to have an opinion
Your perspective should not be a closely guarded secret that only a few people ever get to hear about. The problem with this approach is that it causes you to become lost in the crowd while other people share their opinions. Instead, make it known how you feel about something. Openly agree or disagree with ideas. Don’t be the silent person in work meetings that gets passed over, but rather let them know your thoughts on the topic at hand. Speaking up more often makes you feel more confident and gives people a chance to understand your perspective.
Don’t be afraid of disagreement
No one is going to completely agree with you, and that’s fine. Sometimes it’s even better to agree to disagree on certain topics. What’s not okay is having relationships where you’re expected to not have an opinion or that you agree with everything.
Feeling resentment means you have to talk
Resentment is something that usually gets worse over time. This means that if you start feeling resentful towards someone, this will likely get worse if you ignore it. Resentment is a red flag that something has gone on too long and needs to change.
Predict the next time you will have to confront someone
One of the most common excuses for not confronting someone is because you’ve been caught off guard. If someone has made you uncomfortable before, assume it will happen again. Start making plans for what to do and say the next time someone crosses a boundary.
Rehearse how you want to confront someone
Sometimes people get caught off guard and don’t know what to say. That’s natural and happens all the time. However, the moment someone crosses a boundary you should be considering a response. How am I going to bring up the conversation if this happens again? How can I concisely put into words what bothered me? Am I being clear and direct in my language?
Confront people after the fact
Sometimes it’s better to bring up a conflict before it happens again. This way, you don’t have to risk losing confidence in the moment when you are wanting to confront someone. You can easily call or text this person and say that there’s something you want to speak with them about. This forces you into a conversation about what happened.
Pay attention for patterns
You will become more anxious, depressed, and upset when there is a pattern to your problems. Do you consistently feel disrespected at work and home? Are you dreading talking to people out of fear of them making a comment? Do you avoid socializing with people because you’re worried that you won’t get a word in? These are all signs that you need to take responsibility for your pattern and make adjustments to who you’re having issues with.
Don’t get discouraged if people are defensive
Some of the friends and family in our life are extremely defensive. The very mention of them doing something hurtful gets them heated quickly. These people sometimes defend themselves and criticize you for even having a problem with their behavior. Remember this in that moment. They are being immature. Everyone has moments where they say things that hurt people. When those moments happen, you should be able to have a respectful conversation about what happened to understand the conflict. Respectfully bringing up how someone impacted you is not rude or offensive. Even if this person does not respond well initially, it’s still important that they know how their actions impact you.

Questions And Challenges For You To Consider:

What areas of your life do you lack assertiveness?
Where do you notice feeling of dread and resentment in your relationships? Does your assertiveness have anything to do with that?
How can you bring up an important conversation with someone who hurt you?

Joe Rustum