People Pleasing: Why Do I Do This To Myself?
Are You Always Trying To Make People Happy?
Considering the needs and preferences of others is actually a good skill to have. It gives you the ability to empathize with the feelings of others, put yourself in other people’s shoes, and know how you can effectively meet their needs. This skill only becomes problematic when it’s taken to the extreme. This happens when you are constantly deferring to other people’s preferences and not acknowledging or speaking up about your own. We call this:
People Pleasing
People pleasing is where you are excessively accommodating the needs, preferences, and biases of others at the expense of yourself. This is a good skill taken to an unhealthy extreme.
People Pleasing Examples
When I talk to my friends, I am always asking them about their day and listening to them vent about their problems. I hardly ever tell them about what’s going on with me and sometimes I feel like my friends talk to me like I’m a wall.
I feel constant pressure to say yes to every request. I stay later at work, I go to parties I don’t want to attend, and I spend a lot of my free time attending to the needs of others. It feels like there is little left over for myself.
I don’t tell people when they hurt my feelings. I laugh it off or just say nothing at all. I don’t want them to feel bad that they hurt my feelings and I’m worried that they will think I’m fragile or easily upset.
When I get upset about being hurt or mistreated, I often will blame myself or be upset that I’m angry. I have a hard time holding other people accountable, and I worry about my needs being “too much” or “dramatic.”
I have a hard time expressing preferences or opinions. When people ask me for my preferences, I tell them “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” It’s easier for me to cater to someone than for me to risk saying what I actually might want to.
You might frequently find yourself worried about the reactions of others. This causes you to censor yourself and then to focus exclusively on what other people want instead. On one hand, this makes it easy to get along with others because you are reading the audience and giving them what they want. On the other hand, this can make you resentful because you feel restricted and pressured to be someone you are not.
Consequences Of People Pleasing
You lose the ability to identify your own needs
You feel pressure to suppress your own needs so that you can fully embrace the preferences of others. This causes you to feel out of tune with your own preferences. You will often say “I don’t know” or “I don’t have a preference” because you are so used to catering to someone else’s preference.You overidentify with the preferences of others
You sometimes start assuming that the preferences of others belong to yourself. When you’re around certain groups of friends, you take on their identities, preferences, and beliefs. Who you are becomes determined by the general consensus of the people around you instead of how you actually think and feel. This creates a lot of inner confusion because you have a hard time differentiating your own beliefs and values from the groups you are with.You allow others to mistreat you and violate your boundaries
At some point, you learned that it’s easier to avoid conflict by not addressing people who hurt your feelings or violate your boundaries. Not addressing conflict enables other people to disrespect you and make decisions without considering your feelings. This also gives the message that you don’t have needs which makes it harder for the people around you to consider your perspective.You become angry and resentful
Consistently not expressing your needs and preferences can create resentment. In the short term, people pleasing allows you to avoid conflict with others and allows you to have a favorable relationship with more people. In the long term, you start becoming angry that your relationships are unbalanced and that people have grown accustomed to not considering your needs.You don’t hold other people accountable and blame yourself instead
You start justifying the poor behavior of others so that you don’t have to hold them accountable. When you are hurt, you convince yourself that the offender had a bad day, had a good reason, or you deserved it because of something you did. This makes you feel like it’s your responsibility to manage other people’s moods and you blame yourself when they become upset.You struggle in your relationships with other people
You have a harder time having reciprocal relationships with other people. People often perceive you as being supportive, the “mom or dad” friend, or very caring; however, they also say they have a hard time actually knowing who you are and supporting you. People then struggle getting to know or understanding you. You may also notice that your friends and loved ones get frustrated by you not expressing preferences and being emotionally closed off.
Only considering the needs and preferences of others makes you feel like you are less of a person and more of a doormat. This trains people to see you more as a resource and less as an individual with needs and feelings. The good news is that there are many things you can do to overcome this pattern.
How To Overcome People Pleasing
Spend time understanding yourself
Before you can advocate for your own needs and preferences, you need to be aware of what they are in the first place. Focus on identifying your values, goals, and feelings. Notice how other people make you feel without judging yourself. What feelings come up when people ask you to do things you don’t want to do? How does it feel when people make certain comments? Do you actually enjoy doing certain activities or being around certain friends? Are the things in your life making you feel better or worse about yourself?Check your motivations
You should only fully commit to making decisions that are motivated from your beliefs, values, and goals. Consistently making decisions that don’t fit with your priorities causes inner turmoil and resentment. Instead, ask these questions. Are you only doing something to avoid feeling guilty? Are you only doing this because you don’t want to upset someone? Are you afraid of other people thinking you're being selfish or dramatic?Don’t tolerate things that make you resentful
Don’t let people off the hook when they hurt your feelings, and don’t agree to things you don’t want to do. You might be thinking that you’re being the “bigger person” by not telling someone how you feel, but in reality, you’re avoiding conflict and making yourself resentful. Instead, let people know, in the moment, when they upset you. Push yourself to say no when you you don’t want to do something and say that you have to check your calendar before you impulsively agree to a request.Speak up more and say your preferences
Speaking your mind does not make you selfish, greedy, or a jerk, because every single person has different preferences and opinions. Being thoughtful and considerate while sharing your perspective allows people to understand you more and consider you while making decisions. Stating your preferences doesn’t mean that people always have to listen to them, but rather it allows them to know the impact that things are having on you. Speaking up is not “putting yourself first,” but rather it’s making yourself known.Cultivate reciprocal relationships
All relationships need a healthy balance to be sustainable. If you’re the only one who is putting in effort, initiating, and making compromises then you need to ask yourself if this is worth it. How you start relationships is the foundation for how people will treat you. This means you will constantly feel the need to please others if you start off being overly accommodating. Instead, start your relationships with mutual effort that respects the both of you.Give people time to adjust to the new you
People are initially going to be shocked and confused when you start establishing boundaries and speaking up about your needs. This is completely normal because the people in your life are used to you being overly accommodating. You can help them with this transition by letting them know that you’re making some changes, speaking up more, and will likely be addressing them in a new way. People that are invested and who care for you will adjust to your new patterns.Stop trying to please people
Constantly trying to please others is not healthy for you or your relationships. Pleasing others does not build intimacy, create trust, or establish sustainable patterns. Real friends want to know who you are so that they can better meet your needs. People who demand that you constantly please them are not looking out for your best interest. If someone is going to stop being your friend because you’re unwilling to please them all the time, then this relationship was never meant to last in the first place.
Questions And Challenges For You To Consider:
What areas of your life do you people please the most?
What tips above can be the most helpful for managing your people pleasing?
Who do you need to confront about their behavior?
