Complaining: How To Break Free From A Toxic Habit

Oct 23

How Often Do You Complain And Have A Bad Attitude?

Do you really not like your job? You might not think you’re getting paid enough and your boss could be driving you nuts. Does your partner really get on your nerves? Are they running late to things and spacing out during conversations? Has your life not turned out the way you wanted? Are you feeling upset that you still have the same problems that you’ve had for years and find yourself stuck? There’s one thing that you likely do when things in life are not going your way.

Complain

On one level, talking openly about things happening in your life is normal. It’s good to share your problems with people and talk through things that are frustrating. There does come a point though when normal venting turns into toxic complaining.

Here’s the difference.

Normal sharing or venting:

Focuses on how things impact you as a person.
Shared with few people.
Helps you recieve emotional support or feedback.
Helps you build relationships with others by letting people understand your world.
You generally feel better after someone listens.
The desire to talk about the topic decreases over time.

Toxic complaining

Has an overly negative perspective about a circumstance.
Portrays yourself as being a victim with no ability to change circumstances.
You portray others in rude, condescending, and unfair ways.
Makes you, and the person listening to you, feel worse afterward.
Causes people to zone out or avoid you.
Involves telling way too many people the same story.
You feel a constant need to reference what’s bothering you and you end up telling the same stories over and over again.

It’s very common for you to start off venting about something in a normal way and then for it to turn into toxic complaining.

When you drift into toxic complaining, you go to your best friend, social media—or whoever will listen—to vent your grievances and end up feeling worse. Here are some examples of toxic complaining.

Toxic Complaining Examples

I have felt anxious and depressed for years and I’ve tried everything to make myself feel better. Now, I don’t try doing things to make myself feel better anymore because I feel frustrated and hopeless. I constantly tell people about my overwhelming problems, and I get irritated when people try offering different perspectives or advice.
My family has always been hard to deal with. I’ve tried having civil conversations with them for my entire life and nothing has worked. Whenever I have negative interactions with family, I go on long rants to other people only to end up feeling worse.
I hate my job. I’ve been working at the same place for years and don’t feel respected or that I’m meeting my financial goals. I’ve convinced myself that I can’t leave my position because of the job market, but I know that I’m just afraid. I tell everyone willing to listen how much I hate my job, but nothing ever changes.
My partner is so difficult and doesn’t take any constructive feedback. I’ve told them countless times to clean up after themselves and they keep giving me the same old excuses. I’ve been meaner to them lately, and I have been telling my friends and family how good for nothing I think they are.

There’s several reasons why you might resort to toxic complaining.

Why You Complain:

You feel stuck and don’t know what to do.
You are being mistreated in some way.
You have tried multiple times and failed to resolve the issue.
The problem has been happening for a long time and you feel discouraged.
You have been traumatized by something and don’t know how to handle it.
You don’t feel motivated or don’t want to spent the energy on it.
You are bitter or resentful.
Complaining is a bad habit you’ve had for years.

Toxic complaining is a dead end activity. It does not lead to you to taking responsibility for what is in your control and what you can do about it. Instead, it creates an atmosphere of passivity, resentment, and fear. Complaining makes you feel more like a victim, less in control of your circumstances, and justifies you for making no actions to change.

Tips For Getting Over Toxic Complaining

Identify your own toxic complaining
Toxic complaining leaves you feeling hopeless, helpless, and unmotivated to act. If sharing your problems with others leaves you or them feeling worse or exhausted, then that’s a good clue that you're using toxic complaining. If you’re unsure when you’re doing this, I’m sure your friends and loved ones would be more than willing to point this out for you.
Stop being defensive
One of the first kneejerk reactions to suffering is to blame someone or something for your suffering. While it might be true that other things are contributing to your circumstance, complaining too much about the role of others will make you feel exhausted and take away from what you can do about it.
Focus on your next action step
Complaining is not an action step. Focus on how you can fully address the problem you feel tempted to complain about. Are you upset about how you were treated? Think about how you want to respond. Do you feel dissatisfied with your career? Take some steps to get a new job, more education, or pursue a different position at your company. Has your progress stalled in a certain area? Reevaluate your approach, involve a professional, or stay consistent until you find a better direction.
Quit complaining to so many people
Sometimes it can be helpful to vent about your problems to a safe or helpful person. However, it’s a problem when everyone knows that you’re discontent about something. Being known as a toxic complainer makes it more difficult for people to trust you because they see how you respond to being frustrated.
Don’t vent about the same thing all the time
No one likes to hear you complain all the time about the same thing. Constantly complaining makes you feel worse about your circumstance and doesn’t get you any closer to solving your problem. Instead, notice this pattern early and push yourself to talk about something else.
Balance individual and external / collective responsibility
Hold yourself and others responsible for the role they have in your conflict. You are accountable for how you react to the things in your life regardless of your role. Additionally, don't blame yourself for the problems that other people or external factors cause for you. However, you are completely at fault for complaining about these problems without trying to take action.
Seek professional support if you’re not making progress on this habit
If trying to make progress in this area simply isn’t working, this could mean that you need professional support to identify what is making this so hard. Its always helpful to enlist the support of a professional if you're either feeling worse or stalling on making progress.
Find alternative ways to spend your time
Try talking about something else. Focus your thoughts on things that you appreciate. Find a good hobby or activity to engage yourself with. Even if you really feel like complaining, do something else that is going to have a more positive impact on your mood.
Cultivate a habit of appreciation
Did you know that complaining is a habit? The more you develop this habit, the more you will want to do it. Appreciation is a much better habit to spend time and energy on. This will help you feel more content with your life and decisions and train your mind to focus on things that bring joy.

Questions And Challenges For You To Consider:

What do you complain the most about?
How does your complaining habit impact the other people are you? How do you feel after venting about your problems?
Ask someone close to you what they hear you complain the most about and how it makes them feel to hear you complain.
How can you take a single step today in becoming more responsible for the conflict in your life?

Joe Rustum