Perfectionism: How To Stop Feeling Like A Failure
How Often Do You Feel Like You Let Yourself Down?
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.” There’s something that Norman Vincent Peale didn’t tell you when he wrote this quote. If you’re a perfectionist, you’ll still hate yourself for not getting to the moon. You’ll spend countless hours criticizing yourself for not planning long enough, not motivating yourself to work harder, and not having enough energy to follow through. Even if you did somehow manage to make it to the moon, you would have a brief moment of relief, and then set the goal to Jupiter. Does this sound familiar?
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is an unhealthy desire for excellence and perfection that is often accompanied by self-hatred and an amplified concern for how others perceive you. This includes an extreme desire to spend one’s time most efficiently, appear competent and without problems in front of others, and set unrealistic standards for yourself. On one hand, perfectionists are likely to be high achieving and successful at what they do. On the other hand, they are more likely to struggle feeling good about themselves or their accomplishments.
Perfectionism is when your healthy desire for excellence and competency gets taken to the unhealthy extreme of perfection. Perfectionism is a pattern that can impact all areas of your life. However, it’s also common to have symptoms of perfectionism show up in one area of your life but not in others, such as being perfectionistic at work but not with friends.
At this point, you might be wondering what the difference is between perfectionism and just being a high achiever or hard worker. Here are a few ways you can tell them apart.
The Difference Between Perfectionism And Being A High Achiever
What motivates you
Normal high achievers are driven by a sense of pride, passion, and engagement. A perfectionist is driven by negative emotions, such as self-hatred, dread, fear of upsetting others, and feelings of not doing enough.Relationships with others
High achievers are able to have boundaries with others, openly disagree, and be themselves regardless of who is around. They also are not critical of others and don’t have overly high expectations of their loved ones. Perfectionists feel intense pressure to please others and struggle with saying no or letting people down. They are also more critical of their loved ones and do more nitpicking.Identity
High achievers have a strong sense of self that is detached from their productivity. Being a talented, hard worker is something they do but its not who they are. They have established hobbies, friendships, and other meaningful activities. Perfectionists have a harder time understanding their own preferences and beliefs. Their identity is based off of doing things for other people and they overwhelmed and useless when they can’t contribute. Most of their time is consumed in trying to please others or meet their own elevated expectations.Work-life balance
High achievers focus on their own goals and priorities at work. They know how to be a hard worker without being a workaholic with no boundaries. Perfectionists get focused on the goals and priorities of the organization. They overcommit themselves to please others and then overextend themselves to try making other people happy.Confidence
High achievers are able to recognize the value that they bring and speak confidently about their experience. Perfectionists feel like imposters and are always worried about screwing up.
Perfectionism shows up in different ways for different people, but there are a few common ways to identify the habit.
Perfectionism Examples
I spent hours proof reading my work and making minor adjustments. I feel terrible turning in my work even though everyone tells me what I’m doing is great. Sometimes I even refuse to turn things in because I don’t think it’s good enough.
I never feel like I’m doing enough. I feel lazy when I take breaks, I criticize myself for not working harder, and I feel like I could be much further along by now if I tried.
I said something awkward and I feel humiliated and stupid. I spent the entire night criticizing myself for what I said even though no one seemed to have been impacted.
I feel like an imposter at work when people give me good feedback. Even though I’ve had no performance problems, I’m constantly worried about screwing something up, making someone mad, or getting fired.
I don’t often feel peaceful or satisfied. There’s always something else I need to be doing. Even when I accomplish something, I’m often focused on meeting my next goal.
Tips For Getting Over Perfectionism
Step back from productivity
Perfectionism tells you that you are only valuable when you are contributing or accomplishing things. This mentality is problematic because it ties your self-esteem and self-worth to being able to achieve something. The problem is that you will never feel content with yourself if you evaluate your self-worth by your accomplishments. You will also never feel confident in your relationships with other people unless you are serving them in some way. This pattern will make you feel exhausted and insecure because you are constantly having to work hard for people to love you.Find new things to live for
The main purpose your life should not be to impress everyone around you, check a thousand things off your checklist, or send perfect emails. If you spend all of your time trying to accomplish superficial goals, you will end up feeling empty even when you accomplish them. Surface level goals don’t intrinsically provide meaning and satisfaction. Instead, spend time developing a relationship with God, pouring into the important relationships around you, and finding meaningful ways of spending your time. These things will give you lasting satisfaction and help you feel better about yourself as a person.Stop criticizing yourself
Criticizing yourself does not make you better at what you do. It makes you hate yourself. It makes you more likely to be critical of your loved ones and takes away your motivation. When you give yourself feedback, do not make character judgements. Don’t call yourself lazy, dumb, unmotivated, and useless. Instead, try understanding why you feel the way you do and start being more compassionate to yourself. Speak to yourself the way you would talk to your friend who is struggling.Readjust your goals and expectations
Are your days cram packed full of stuff to do with no rest and relaxation built in? Do you work yourself into the ground and then feel exhausted and depressed? Stop treating yourself like a machine. You’re a person. If you’re not comfortably meet your goals and expectations, then they are counterproductive. Having goals and expectations that are too high will cause you to feel bad about yourself and make it difficult for you to feel motivated. Goals are only useful if they are achievable. Instead, get into the habit of setting a lower bar for your goals and then focus on meeting or exceeding them. Once you’re able to consistently meet and exceed your goals for several months, then consider raising them.Learn when to say good enough
Doing things perfectly is usually a huge waste of time. Spending 15 minutes proof reading an email, throwing out a good batch of cookies because they are a little burned, or overpreparing for things wastes valuable time that you could be spending on other activities. Being truly efficient means that you are not spending more time than you need to for getting something done. Spending too much time on things diminishes confidence and makes you feel worse about your final product. You’re not being a good steward of your time if you are constantly coming in early or staying late to finish tasks. It’s far more productive to get everything done during working hours and spending your off time on other activities.Respect your limits
Everyone gets tired. You only have a certain amount of energy and concentration to spend in a given day. If you are spending all of your energy on being perfect, then you’re not going to have enough motivation to finish out your day. When you are tired, the goal is to rest not work harder. If you work through being tired then you’re going to become exhausted and it’ll take you even longer to get your work done. Being tired does not mean you’re lazy, but it can mean that you’ve been inefficient with your time.Don’t live to please and impress others
You can’t always please and impress everyone around you. No matter how hard you try, there is always someone who is going to be disappointed, let down, or upset with the things that you do. Being a people pleaser makes you a slave to the opinions of others. All of your decisions then start revolving around how you’re going to please and what other people might think. Your life will start feeling more meaningless and overwhelming because pleasing other people is not something that brings satisfaction and fulfillment. Instead, challenge yourself to live according to your own values and beliefs, not someone else’s.Tell people unflattering things about yourself
Perfectionism is maintained by the illusion that you have it all together. Do people tell you that they think you are amazing and that they wish they could be as good as you are? Tell them the truth. You get stressed too. You get overwhelmed too. Your life is just as hard, and maybe even harder than the people around you. When people see you as a whole person who struggles like everyone else it makes it easier for you to be yourself.Build rest and self-care into your schedule
Just like a car, you need routine maintenance or else you’ll start falling apart. Self-care is not something you do once you’ve finished everything else, but rather it’s something you intentionally build into your schedule. Lack of rest and relaxation makes you feel less motivated, reduces your ability to work, and makes you more likely to feel depressed and anxious. Not only is it normal for you to build self-care into your life, it provides much more meaning and satisfaction.
Questions And Challenges For You To Consider:
Where does perfectionism show up in your life?
What things in your life actually bring you meaning and satisfaction?
What things leave you feeling empty or unsatisfied when you pursue them?
How can you take a single step today in reducing your perfectionistic habits?
